This post is a letter to Sandra.

Dear Sandra,
Socrates said, “The unexamined life is not worth living,” and there comes a moment in a woman’s life when she must take stock of her life. Zora Neal Hurston wrote, “There are years that ask questions and years that answer.” Sandra, you have been forced to ask yourself some hard questions. And, I know that you, like the rest of us when we examine our own lives, will arrive at answers you don’t like. The cause of your regret is obvious and wrenching, but I want you to know that you are not alone. I don’t care how well a woman dresses, how many lavish vacations she takes, how much respect she commands at work; I promise that if, for a moment, you could get past the façade and peer into her heart, you will find that she, too, has regrets. Just like you. Just like me. Regret for loving a man (or too many to count) who she should’ve run from at “Hello.” Regret for the good man lost, because she was so used to bad she didn’t know what to do with good. Regret for playing when she should have been working, and now she has to work when she should be playing. Regret for money spent that should’ve been saved. Regret for not realizing that there’s a very short window of time to raise children and that, when it’s over, it’s over. Regret for friendships lost over pride, selfishness and careless words. Regret for not realizing the time to develop a prayer life is BEFORE a crisis. Regret for knowing better and not doing better. So for you and me, and others like us, I ask the question: What to do with regret?

 Some of the greatest women in the world would do things differently if they could. I am sure that as Eve wept over the death of Abel and the permanent separation from Cain, her firstborn, she must have wished with all her heart that she made a different choice in the Garden (Genesis 4). I am sure that when Sarah realized that she had given her husband to a real woman, not a robot, who might react unpredictably after being forced to sleep with him and carry his child, Sarah might have held out for God’s best just a little longer (Genesis 16). Surely Samson’s mother must have been tormented with how she might have failed Samson when she was raising him as she saw him being dragged away by the Philistines and heard how they tore out her son’s eyes (Judges 16). She must have wondered if she was firm enough or if she was too hard? What if she could have warned him about the Delilahs of this world? I wonder if Michal, David’s ill-fated wife, while experiencing the pangs of infertility, wished with all her might that she could retract those angry words that sprung from a hardened bitter heart (2 Samuel 6:15-20).

Sandra, the trial is over, the appeals will begin – all of which is out of your control – but what to do with regret? The truth, Sandra, is that there is absolutely nothing left to do with regret, but to forget it. There’s nothing you can do about the past. It happened. You can’t take back your actions on the night of February 11, 2007, any more than any of us can undo the actions from our past. God knows we would if we could. It is impossible to erase the past from your memory, but don’t allow yourself to be mired in thoughts of what might have been. Forget it. The dead are buried. Leave them to God, but don’t let them or anything else from your past haunt you. Paul writes in Philippians 3:13, “Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind…” Paul admits, he has not “apprehended.” He doesn’t have it all together. He’s made mistakes. He has regrets. None of us is the person we wish we were. We’ve hurt others and ourselves, but we will not be defined by our failures. There is more to us than that.

All we can do about our past is to ask God humbly for forgiveness and accept the miracle of grace. Grace is the unmerited favor of God. It is goodness that we didn’t earn and don’t deserve. Paul explains in Romans 5:6 that, if we have to work for it, then it’s not grace—which is given freely. Paul explains grace another way in Romans 3:24: Being justified freely by His grace through the redemption that is in Jesus Christ.” In other ways, we have been justified by the finished work that Jesus did for us on the cross. He bore the punishment on the cross for all of our sins, and, because of Him, we have been given grace. Sandra, I happen to know the judge in your case. Clint Hull and my husband went to high school together. He is a good, wise and decent man, and I know he did his best to couple mercy with justice, but with all due respect to my friend, there is a higher judge. And that judge has already justified you. That judge, your judge, my judge, and Clint’s judge, has also heard all the evidence against you, and because of the work of His Son, when you stand before Him, He has already declared you “not guilty.” That’s what it means, Sandra, to be “justified by grace.” My pastor put it this way, “You have not exhausted the grace of God, and you have not exhausted the God of grace.” Nothing in your past or mine is beyond the grace of God. It is as limitless and awesome as God himself. The miracle of grace is encapsulated in this passage: “Anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!” (2 Corinthians 5:17, New Living Translation). I love this passage in The Message Bible. Here is an excerpt:

“Anyone united with the Messiah gets a fresh start, is created new. The old life is gone; a new life burgeons! . . . God put the world square with himself through the Messiah, giving the world a fresh start by offering forgiveness of sins. . . . Become friends with God; he’s already a friend with you.”

Sandra, when God first devised the concept of grace, it is because He knew you and I would need it. We would fail miserably and carry guilt too heavy for any one woman to bear. God’s grace is sufficient (2 Corinthians 12:9). It is enough. You, Sandra, have to make a conscious decision to accept His grace and leave the past where it belongs. It’s time, Sandra, to start to live.

I will leave you some very practical advice. There is a whole lot you can do while you are waiting for God’s promises to manifest in your life. While you are in this season, why not make the best of it? You might not choose to be single at this moment, but since you are, WORK IT! If you are unfulfilled in your personal life, don’t be unfulfilled in your professional life. Determine that you are going to know and live out your divine purpose. You should wake up every day knowing that you are using your unique gifts and talents to their fullest potential. If you can’t wake up to a man, you should at least wake up to meaningful and rewarding work.

    Also, if you have to be single, there’s no point in being broke and single. One of my favorite videos about sex and Christian singles is Soulmate. As soon as you’ve finished reading this blog, order that DVD! Andrea Wiley has produced a must-see DVD for every African-American, Christian, single woman. One thing I noticed about those sisters in Soulmate is that, although they might be lonely, they were lonely in magnificent surroundings. Trust me, that has to help. I have a girlfriend who is a Suze Orman junkie, and her married friends with two incomes were a lot more stressed than she was when her company was talking layoffs (and because she is so good at what she does, guess who is one of the very few who still has her job?).

    If you have to be single, you might as well look good doing it. If I were single, I would have a banging body. (I’m married with four kids, three of which were C-sections, and I’m still trying to have a banging body!) I would always appear polished in public. If you look great, you’ll feel better. And a great workout is one way to boost sagging spirits and sagging everything else. And if an eligible man did pass me up, I promise you, I’d make him think twice.

Will you have down days? The truth is we all do. So be prepared. When the down days come, pour out your heart to God and get to know Him as Jehovah Shamma: “The God Who Is There.” Allow God to be with you on the dark days and lonely nights. Let His presence envelop you. Although earlier in this 3-part series, I scoffed about Christian women who claim to be “married” to Jesus, there is a place in God where His presence fills your life, and He gives you the assurance that “it is well.” Find that place in Him. And those “attacks” – as my friend, Patricia Ashley, correctly identifies them – will be further and further apart. Practically speaking, be especially good to yourself on those “blue” days. I believe that spa days are mandatory for mental health. As I told a girlfriend, a massage is not a luxury, but a necessity. Take a walk, journal your prayers, celebrate you – and, if need be, ask for help from a trained counselor or therapist. Your feelings are real. Don’t minimize them and don’t magnify them.

    Baby girl, this might not be the life you signed up for, but it is your life, so you might as well Live It! You only go around once. If you have to fly solo, then fly high. I have a single girlfriend who tries to begin and end the year in a new city. When I first met her, I asked how it felt to travel by herself. She said that she’s alone anyway, so she might as well be alone on the beach, or in the mountains, or on the islands. And why not? She deprives herself of nothing, whether it be art museums, the opera, plays, or salsa dancing. And, because she’s interested in life, her social calendar is full. She has a huge network of friends – married, single, male and female. She makes single life look so good that she has to remind her married friends of the perks of their lives. Does she get down sometimes? Of course, but with help of God and an indomitable spirit, she refuses to give in to despair.

    Finally, don’t settle for less than you really deserve. The truth is that you aren’t single because you can’t get married. Just look around. It is obvious that anyone whose goal is to get married can marry someone, but that’s not what you want. Marriage, sex and having children is not your reason for being. Living out God’s will for your life is, and everything else springs from that. You are praying for the right man for you! I love being married, but I wouldn’t have gotten married unless my intended had passed some pretty stringent character tests. At the bare minimum, make sure that your future husband has an intense walk with the Lord, is passionate about his purpose in life, is well-thought of by others (and take a good look at who the “others” are), is head-over-heels-crazy-in-love-with-you, handles pressure well, and is a man’s man (this is where your guy friends/brothers/father come in), and that the two of you complement one another’s calling in life. These are minimum requirements, but I am saddened by how many sisters are willing to look beyond the most obvious flaws. Marriage is hard enough, and life is hard enough, without asking for misery.

    One of my favorite scriptures is, “Why so downcast, Oh my soul? Put your hope in God.” Don’t give up! Reconnect with God. Find a good network of friends to encourage you. Meditate on scriptures that speak about the goodness and faithfulness of God. Read them out loud until they get deep into your spirit and you know that you know that you know that God is coming through for you. Then live out loud, with passion, with purpose, and with reckless abandon, and watch what God does in your life.

What advice would you give me in terms of reconnecting to the Father, redeveloping that intimate relationship with Him, and remaining in faith and love as I wait for the promises of God to become real for me?

    Many single women are deciding not to wait. When we are speaking to teenagers, we can passionately advocate abstinence. Young people need to focus their energy and efforts discovering who they are. They need to secure an education and establish themselves in careers. For young people, the decision to become sexually involved is fraught with all sorts of risks. Sexual involvement can derail their lives with unplanned pregnancies, result in STDs, and exact an emotional toll for which they are unprepared. But what do we say to mature adult women who say that they understand the risks of entering into a sexual relationship and are fully prepared to handle the consequences physically and emotionally? Some have told me that they would welcome a pregnancy and have ample financial resources to care for a child should a pregnancy occur.

    There no longer seems to be any social stigma associated with a mature single woman who chooses to be sexually active. In fact, it is probably safe to say that most of the eligible men in the dating pool expect that, sometime before the first date and marriage, the relationship will evolve into a sexual one. And it’s not just the men. Can we please admit that women have emotional and physical needs as well? Why can’t two consenting adults decide if they want to engage in safe, responsible sex with one another? What business is it of mine or anyone else? Truthfully, I tend to be a live-and-let-live type of person. I have no personal interest in giving unsolicited advice or minding other people’s business, especially as it relates to such a private and sensitive matter.

This issue, however, goes beyond my personal preferences. God set the rules for how human beings should interact sexually. In His infinite wisdom, He chose marriage to mirror the intimate relationship between Himself and His church. Human sexuality is the means by which heaven itself will be populated. Marriage is two people becoming one. “For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.” Ephesians 5:31. There is no other way to honestly look at scripture but to conclude that God’s highest and best is for sex to take place within the context of marriage. So where does that leave my single friends?

Let’s not pretend that living this out in today’s culture is easy. If my friend and I could sit together in her living room, we would share tears of anger and frustration at the vicissitudes of life. I would acknowledge the dull ache in the soul caused by “dreams deferred.” I was married late enough to watch others walk down the aisle and wonder if it would ever be me. I know what it’s like to watch others start families and wonder if I would ever have children of my own. I know what it’s like to meet a man who I was sure was “The One,” but he wasn’t. I know exactly what happens to a dream deferred.

“What advice would you give me in terms of reconnecting to the Father?” I think this question gets to the heart of the matter no matter the source of the suffering, whether it is the painful loss of a loved one, a terminal illness, the loss of a marriage or an earthquake in Haiti. The questions that we have all asked are, “Why God? How could you let this happen to me? Why do I have to experience this pain, disappointment, unfulfillment?”

    My answer is: Can you trust God when He doesn’t give the answer you desperately want, or when He gives no answer? When life is confusing? When it seems that God is requiring too much? When hope disintegrates into despair? I know that we have been taught that our next blessing is just one praise, offering, or prayer away, but that is not my experience, nor do I believe it is scriptural. My Bible tells me “that we must through much tribulation enter into the kingdom of God.” Acts 14:22. The scripture states, “Take up your cross and follow Me” (Mark 8:34), and the truth is that sometimes the cross is heavy and the road is lonely and difficult. I know that we don’t always hear these in our feel-good services, but it is true nonetheless. Serving Christ means dying to ourselves, and, if you have ever witnessed someone die, death can be agony. The question is: Can you – will you – believe that God is working out the events in your life for good?

How do you reconnect to God? Hebrews 11:6 states, “He that cometh to God must believe that He is.” Do you believe that God is who He says He is? Is He good? Is He faithful? Is He loving? Can you stare the realities of your life in the face and whisper to God, “I don’t understand this, I don’t like this, this is really hard, this seems very unfair, but I believe, God, that you are God.” The next part of the verse says, “And that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek Him.” Do you believe that God is a rewarder? Do you believe that on the other side of this pain is a reward for you? I can’t tell you how God will reward you, but I do know when God rewards you, you are rewarded.

    Did I mention that this is a process? I assure you that this process is not easy, but it is 100% guaranteed. God is faithful. I know because I’ve wrestled enough nights with my own angels and demons and lived to see morning. I can assure you that God is longing to walk through every issue, doubt, longing, and question with you. The fact that you want to reconnect with Him is only because He wants to reconnect with you. Next week we’ll get down to the practicalities of making single life work for you.

One of the highlights of last year’s Gracious Women’s Advance 2009 was the pajama party. Thanks to all of the women who were honest about the real issues around sex and the Christian woman. This blog is both a continuation of that conversation and a direct response to a heartfelt message that I received a few weeks ago from a friend who wrote:

I have had many dreams deferred, like being a mother and a wife and having a family of my own. As a result, two years ago I became really depressed. I stopped going to church and completely gave up hope in believing that God is a God who really cares about me. My desire for fellowship and community has brought me back to my local house of worship. However, those desires remain unfulfilled. I would like to know what advice would you give me in terms of reconnecting to the Father, redeveloping that intimate relationship with Him, and remaining in faith and love as I wait for the promises of God to become real for me. Thank you, Gail, in advance.

Oh, how I could relate to the pain in this letter. There are many single women who are very happy being single. I would be lying if I said I was once one of them. I wanted to be married. I wanted to share my love and life with one special person. And, yes, as a Christian woman, I also wanted to experience sexual fulfillment. At twenty-seven, I married the love of my life. I have openly shared some of the challenges of married life, but I won’t pretend that there aren’t many perks that accompany being married that I enjoy. I am very grateful for the privilege of sharing my life with my husband, Tim. I wouldn’t want to go back to being single and, to stay on topic, celibacy. Jesus is the Lord of my life, but in all reverence, I never claimed to be married to him, as I’ve heard some Christian women testify. I can relate to a Christian woman desiring to love, be loved by, and make love to, a man.

The Biblical prohibition of sex outside the confines of marriage is clear. I was reading on another blog about a preacher who instructed all the married people in his congregation to have sex for seven days straight, and for the singles to eat chocolate cake: (http://blog.beliefnet.com/textmessages/2008/11/do-ed-youngs-sex-sermons-speak.html). I wonder how that worked for the singles? (For that matter, I wonder how it worked for the married folk, but that’s another post.) I have heard some preachers encourage singles to embrace “the gift of singleness.” But it seems that most singles are passing on the chocolate cake and embracing members of the opposite sex instead. Consider these statistics from the book Real Sex: The Naked Truth about Chastity by Lauren by F. Winner:

• 65% of teens have sex before they finish high school
• 41% of women from 15-54 have cohabited with a man
• Couples living together increased 72% between 1990 and 2000
• 52% of women have sex before turning 18
• 75% of women have sex before they get married

    Although most Christian women understand that sex outside of marriage is wrong and can quote scripture about “fleeing fornication,” they are getting winded awfully fast. As a church leader, I believe that we are not adequately preparing our young people for the challenges of remaining single and supporting them in their singleness. Since the sexual revolution, sex outside of marriage is a given. Anyone who is single and wants to remain sexually pure in this culture is swimming upstream. The top-selling book, Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man, by comedian-turned-relationship-expert and confessing Christian, Steve Harvey, advises women to postpone sex (which he calls “the cookie”) for a 90-day, so-called “probation period,” but certainly not to wait until marriage, because who can do that? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sQp_Ekr0oGA.

Part of the problem can be traced back to the 60′s. I am not one to bash everything about the 60′s. As an African American, I am grateful for the strides we made towards racial and gender equality. But when we separated sex from marriage, the damage we did to our moral psyche as a nation is incomprehensible. The societal pressure against sex outside of marriage has been removed. As the author, Mark Regnerus, wrote in his book, Forbidden Fruit: Sex & Religion in the Lives of American Teenagers, the issue is not so much premarital sex (i.e., sex with someone you intend to marry), but “pre-premarital sex” (i.e., sex with people you don’t intend to marry), because most people have several sexual partners before they are married.

Another possible factor is that the gap between puberty and marriage has widened significantly. Because young people choose to get their education and establish themselves in careers before they get married, young people are physically ready for sex long before they are actually married. This is a relatively new phenomenon. Abstinence is hard enough at seventeen, but how about at twenty-seven, thirty-seven, forty-seven? Can we at least admit that the Biblical injunction to remain celibate until marriage, regardless of when or if marriage occurs, is extremely difficult and can be painful to live out? I will not tell the young woman who wrote me that she is not “spiritual ” or make her feel guilty because she desires what most human beings on the planet crave. What she is experiencing is no “gift of singleness.” It is difficult and lonely.

Unfortunately, Christian women like my friend are challenged to be faithful to their Christian convictions while struggling alone with their physical and emotional needs for intimacy. What is most wrenching is that women who have done everything right, pursued their education, established thriving careers, and achieved financial stability seem to have the most difficult time of all finding partners as was recently documented about African American women in particular on 20/20: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wCoI-B9AYjs. With fewer and fewer available partners, there is a great deal of pressure on Christian women to compromise their Christian beliefs concerning premarital sex or lose the attentions of another “really nice guy.” So what’s a Christian woman to do?

    Would you stay or go? My girlfriends and I have debated that question quite a bit since this whole Tiger Woods fiasco. I have always been firmly in the go camp. But I have a short foolishness fuse. My more longsuffering sisters always leave me dumbfounded. It never ceases to amaze—wrong word —astound me what other women put up with. My visceral reaction is so strong that even my husband, Tim, is taken aback.

Dearly Beloved, we are gathered together in the sight of God…

    I made a lot of promises 17 years ago framed amidst a great deal of fanfare. I chose a dress as close to Princess Di’s as I could afford. I invited friends and magnanimously included a few enemies. I made vows to my husband and God in front of my family and friends. I poured over the Book of Common Prayer because I wanted to use vows that had stood the test of time. I would have repeated the vows word for word from the time-honored book, if my dad didn’t temper me. And that’s saying something. I was not a hasty bride. I had been counseled well. I knew that I was floating on cloud of romance and high hopes. I was not naïve enough to believe that our love would not be tested by the realities of life. I just couldn’t anticipate how much.

    Wilt thou love, honor, and keep him…

    I remember when Tim and I were engaged, my siblings tested him, “So, what is it about Gail?” “She’s meek,” he answered, looking at me. I wish you could have heard the earnestness in his voice. The siblings raised their eyebrows and looked at me hard. “Really, Tim? You think, Gail is meek?” They looked at me now with concern. Tim still insisted. It was truly touching. Today, I asked Tim if he still thinks I’m meek:

“What makes you ask that?”

“Tim, it was once a significant point.”

“I heard something in a message by Swindoll or someone about meekness.”

“So there was something that was said that made you think of me?”

“Yes.”

“What was it?”

“I don’t remember.”

“So, you weren’t bamboozled. I was meek in some sense based on that message.”

“Yeah, that’s right.”

     In all fairness, I intended to keep those vows when I made them. The truth is that my love is a frail thing indeed. It gets bored, annoyed, fretful, and stressed. It heats, cools, freezes, and boils. It is clingy, indifferent, possessive and nonchalant. It stalks out the door and returns humbled and repentant. I fail in a million ways to live up to my own best self.

Forsaking all others…

     My fear has always been that I wouldn’t be enough. No one is more obsessed with their flaws than me. I am painfully aware of all them. I also know that I am a truly kind person. I am generous and empathetic. I am thoughtful and loyal. I have a sincere heart for God. I am a good woman. I could be a great one. If there was someone out there who would hang in there with me. And I think that gets to the heart of it. When we get married, we are hoping against hope that this one person will hang in there with us. Through anger and grief. Depression and ecstasy. Through the painful and mundane. We say our vows, get naked and trust that this one person won’t turn away from us in our vulnerability. Hang in there. That’s all I ask. I know it’s a lot. I know it’s not always a fair exchange, but I have nothing else to offer than myself, and that has to be enough.

“The life that I have
Is all that I have
And the life that I have
Is yours”

     That is why I don’t care if the other woman never meant anything or if the two were in love or in lust or in whatever. It doesn’t matter. It’s over. I believe that God hates divorce. I believe that divorce affects children profoundly, and if people can make it work they should try. Can God restore? I wouldn’t be a Christian if I didn’t firmly believe that God was in the business of mending hearts and lives. I have heard great testimonies about couples whose marriages not only survived, but even thrived after infidelity. God bless them. I am old enough to have learned the lesson, “Never say never.” One never knows what they will do in a given situation until they are in it. But, from what I know about myself, I can say with near certainty that infidelity is a deal breaker for me.

     Why is infidelity the ultimate deal breaker for me? I don’t fully know. I understand the sanctity of sex, but truthfully it does not always feel sacred. Sometimes it feels like a duty. I heard one of Tiger’s mistresses bragging to the interviewer that sex for them was exciting, not like married sex. A young friend once asked me whether she is just saving herself for boring sex. I had to laugh. It was such an honest, intelligent question. The truth is that sometimes it might seem routine. That can be a blessing. There is a lot to be said for a sure thing. Other times, when you are trying to make a baby, it becomes almost holy. In the course of a marriage there is such a range. But, yes, life is mostly predictable, and so is married sex.

     Marriage is two people plowing through life together. The exclusivity of sex means that we are still hanging in there together. Two flawed people with challenges that seem almost insurmountable. Showing up for each other day in and day out. Building a life out of joy, pain, hard work, and a very sacred promise.

     The last I heard, Elin spent the holidays in Sweden and Tiger who was supposed to be saving his marriage is having trouble staying focused. When the priceless glass breaks, sometimes it is irretrievably broken, and the most one can hope is somehow to find the grace needed to give to the one who broke it. Elin will have to find grace for Tiger whether or not they stay married for her own sake and her childrens’. I pray that in the New Year both Tiger and Elin will have an encounter with the Prince of Peace. They and every married couple on the planet desperately need it.

Poem was an excerpt from “The Life That I Have” by Leo Marks

Where is the bottom? This story is on the heels of another story coming out of Chicago. Honor student Derrion Albert, 16, was walking home from school when he became an innocent bystander in the middle of a gang-related street fight. He was knocked to the ground after being struck in the head with a board, and, after initially regaining consciousness and trying to get up, he was kicked and stomped in the head. He never got up again. The whole thing was captured on a cell phone video recording. I know because for the first time I watched. This time I couldn’t allow myself to escape into my relatively safe neighborhood or hide within the four walls of my church. I needed to bear witness to the horror occurring in the streets of our city. I needed to see the terror in the voice of another woman’s baby. I needed to make sense of the callousness of children. Our children.

Around the globe, 1 in 3 women has been beaten or forced to have sex, and in America a woman is raped every 2 minutes. Sadly, 61% of all rape victims are under 18. Chicago has buried close to one child every week this year as the result of violence. Something has shifted in the psyche of our children, in us as people, and, despite all the marches and handwringing, the violence is mounting. Numbers 35:33 (NIV) states, “Do not pollute the land where you are. Bloodshed pollutes the land . . . . ” And the stench from our pollution is rising from the bottom. Last week, our church held a week of prayer and fasting for the city of Chicago. We cried out for the power of God. We prayed for the mind of Christ, and we sought the anointing of the Holy Spirit to break through the darkness that has made our children victims and killers.

Prayer is not a panacea. I’ve been to a lot of prayer services, and I’ve needed all of them. But for some of us, prayer becomes inertia. True prayer is total surrender to the will of God. We become His instruments set apart for His holy purpose to accomplish His will in the earth. Paul tells the Philippians, “For it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of his good pleasure” (Philippians 2:13 KJV). Prayer must enable us to do, otherwise we are merely offering “vain repetitions” or a meaningless stringing together of phrases that accomplish nothing. The Scripture states that the “love of Christ constraineth us” (2 Corinthians 5:14 KJV). Because I have experienced Christ’s love, I’m driven to demonstrate His love to a hurting world. The passage continues, “that they which live should not henceforth live unto themselves, but unto him which died for them, and rose again” (2 Corinthians 5:15 KJV). The end result of prayer takes me outside myself and my own personal comfort and into the service of others.

We have to hit bottom. It is when we hit bottom, when we can no longer live with the mayhem in the streets – the silent screams of women and children, the swelling statistics of incomprehensible cruelty – that we fall on our knees and beg God for mercy. This time, however, we won’t pray that God will help us accomplish our agenda, but that His will be done in the earth, and then we’ll pray until we truly mean it. We will pray that His will becomes more important than our personal comfort, our safety, or even our lives. We will pray until we are completely empty of ourselves, and His Holy Spirit indwells us so that we are empowered to witness, for we know it will take the supernatural power of God to pull us out of the depths of degradation into which we have willingly fallen.

At the end of Paul’s life, he was able to say, “For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time has come for my departure” (2 Timothy 4:6 NIV). The will of God is that we die empty of ourselves, and the Christ in us is poured into others. Then we will know what it means to become a living sacrifice unto God. On her Facebook page, my friend has a quote that I love from the British writer, Stuart Wilde:

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming “WOW…What a ride!”

I pray that the bottom does not fall out on my watch. I pray that God changes me from the inside out and makes me a vessel that He can use. I pray that Jesus will see fit to thoroughly use me up on behalf of the helpless, the hardened, and the hurting. I pray that the Jesus I encounter in church impacts the streets. I pray that I don’t become religious and irrelevant so that I am neither salt nor light. I live for the day when I run into His arms breathless, having held back nothing, no matter the cost. That is my prayer.

As African-American women, we have the additional burden of finding our way through a labyrinth of images. Some portray us as hyper-sexed Jezebels perpetuated by current statistics of black, out-of-wedlock births and by music videos. Some portray us as the so-called “Sapphire Caricature,” perpetuated in movies and on television as the ugly religious loon whose catchphrase is “Lawd Have Mercy” – in recent years portrayed as Aunt Esther (LaWanda Page) on Sanford and Son, and Florence Johnston (Marla Gibbs) on The Jeffersons. Some portray us as Mammy, the asexual, overweight, churchgoing, maternal figure played by Nell Carter on Gimme A Break. The African-American Christian Woman has the challenge of navigating these negative stereotypes with little more than the church’s injunction to “render to your husband due benevolence” for married women and “flee fornication” for single women. Male church leaders have told us how to dress, how long to wear our hair, and how much makeup to put on, and they have been assisted by a church full of women ready to serve as their enforcers. Is it possible to celebrate our beauty and sexuality in the way we dress and still honor God?

What does it meant to celebrate all that we were created to be as women with sexual, emotional, and spiritual needs whether we are married or single? Have we even admitted that we as Christian women even have sexual needs? If not, why not? How should we address the growing epidemic of heterosexual women contracting STDs and HIV? And, by the way, before we prattle “just don’t” – this isn’t just a single woman’s issue; good women who faithfully perform their wifely duties are contracting STDs from their husbands too.

What can the church do to foster a healthy view of sex for women? What are we doing or not doing to keep women safe? What are the most important issues around sex that you think we as women need to address? Women, be honest. Men, what do you think?

For the “Sex Series,” I will suspend my “no anonymous posting” rule so that you can freely weigh in (there is no secret way for me to determine who you are from my end, so don’t worry). The next post will specifically address sex and the Christian single. Stay with me because we are going there.

I have had a lifetime of observing church folk, and often people whose personal lives are the most unstable seem to spend a great deal of time in church. I wonder if they find church an easy place to hide and the worship experience an escape. Perhaps if I am shouting right now for my blessing, then I don’t have to deal with the mess I’ve made with my money. Or, perhaps if I am dancing for my marriage, then I can pretend that there aren’t very serious issues between us that need confrontation.

In churches today, the worship experience is appealing by design. Talented musicians are hired with the express purpose of “ushering in God’s presence.” I’m sorry to put that phrase in quotes because I don’t mean to imply that I think it’s all just for show. Honestly, I don’t. In many churches, very sincere men and women devote hours preparing and praying earnestly for God’s anointing on their lives, sincerely desiring that you have a real encounter with God during the worship service (shout out to WCC minister of music, Brannon Carnes). But make no mistake, in many instances, professionals are trying their best to entertain you and make you think you had a spiritual experience, while in fact there has been no lasting impact on your life.

Corporate worship is an individual expression that we experience in the love and safety of community. It is both a singular and shared experience. One of the concerns I have with corporate worship is that people are observing and measuring, and I am just as guilty as anyone else. The Biblical injunction is to “worship the Father in spirit and in truth.” (John 4:23) The psalmist David states, “Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts.” (Psalm 51:6) God is looking for authentic worship. This isn’t about who is doing what around us. It isn’t about pressure to be something we are not. It is bringing all that we are to express back to Him all that He is. What we offer to God in worship is ourselves – not who we are pretending to be, but who we are without reservations. We praise Him as an act of obedience, as an act of love, as an act of gratitude, as an act of humility, as an act of faith; because we love Him, because we need Him, because He is God all by Himself and above Him there is no other.

Often you will experience an emotional response during worship. In fact, it is to be expected. After all, this is God we are talking about. The psalmist David brought to his worship experience the full range of his emotions. 2 Samuel 6 describes an occasion when, as king, he “danced before the Lord with all his might.” In that same instance, it describes David as “leaping and dancing before the Lord” to the point that he removed his royal robes and humbled himself by wearing only a linen ephod – the religious garment usually worn by priests. The text implies that his behavior was extravagantly unorthodox to say the least, perhaps even slightly immodest, as his wife Michal’s reference to the slave girls suggests. “How the king of Israel has distinguished himself today, disrobing in the sight of the slave girls of his servants as any vulgar fellow would!” (2 Samuel 6:14). The scripture states that when Michal observed David’s uninhibited praise that “she despised him in her heart” (2 Samuel 6:16 NIV). God took serious exception to her attitude toward her husband’s praise to him. And the scripture tells us that Michal was barren from that day forward. So much for judging other people’s worship.

My worship won’t look like the sister’s next to me because my worship reflects God’s personal dealings with me. Sometimes in His holy presence, I am so overwhelmed that I am at a loss for words; other times I am so excited that I shout with joy. At times my worship is celebratory and I want to dance or sing. When people worshipped God in scripture, they danced–who can forget Miriam leading the throngs of women shaking their tambourines for all their worth (Exodus 15) –sang, shouted and played loud instruments (cymbals) and soothing instruments (harp).

The test is how our Sunday worship affects the way we live our life, or, as my friend Terri would say, does it pass the Monday test? Is our experience mere Sunday morning hype, or does it extend into our Monday morning reality? Does our worship come from out of our lives or from the music? These are the questions I ask myself. My worship must reflect who I am with God when the music isn’t playing or no one is looking. It must be worthy of the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords. Therefore, I dare not come before Him carelessly or halfheartedly. It must reflect my thankfulness to the One without whom I am nothing. That is the true test, and then I don’t care who is looking, and I don’t have time to look at anyone else.

 He touched me, Oh He touched me,
And oh the joy that floods my soul!
Something happened and now I know,
He touched me and made me whole.

 And then the joy came in waves. I was crying, shouting, and before I knew it was running. It was just me and Jesus. But actually it wasn’t. When I moved into a new level of worshipping God, others began to experienced breakthroughs as well. Many were rejoicing, weeping, and running right along with me. So what’s the hype about praise? Is it just an emotional charge? Does it really take all that?

 As I mentioned earlier, I was emerging from a very dark place in my spiritual life. I was in a place of immense doubt and confusion. I learned from that experience that you get through a crisis of faith by faith. Worship is an act of faith because you acknowledge His Lordship over your life and the circumstances of your life. He is still God whether you sense his presence or not, He is God whether or not you have doubts, He is God no matter the outcome of your personal situation. The psalmist declares, “O magnify the LORD with me, and let us exalt his name together” (Psalm 34:3). When you magnify God, you place Him in the proper perspective, and everything else including you is subordinate.

Whenever you praise God you invoke His presence. “But thou art holy, O thou that inhabits the praises of Israel” Psalms 22:3. Inhabit means to “to live in.” And who is this God who lives in your praise? He is Elohim–The God of creation. He is the one who gives life and breath to all things (Acts 17:25). Can you imagine the God of the universe moving into your situation? God is El-Shaddai—He is the God who is more than enough. Can anything be too hard for Him? Is there a battle that you are losing with sin, your children, your work, your marriage? Imagine what can happen if Jehovah Nissi–the Lord of the Armies moves in and wages war on your behalf? What do you lack if God, who is Jehovah Jireh–The Lord who provides–takes up residence? What happens to sickness when Jehovah Rapha–The Lord your healer– makes your praise His dwelling place? If your mind is troubled, what would happen if Jehovah Shalom–The God Who is Peace– abides with you. God is as near to you as your praise. How much do you need Him? And when you have Him, what do you need?

 So what’s the hype about praise? There is no hype. We are created to praise God. Praise is simply telling Him who He is. He is wise, He is Good, He is merciful, He is righteous, He is holy, He is faithful. After reading Psalm 150, I am convinced that praise is something that engages more than your mind. It is a physical act. Jesus said that if we don’t praise him the rocks would cry out (Matthew 21:6). The scriptural directive is ^“Let everything that hath breath praise the LORD. Praise ye the LORD” (Psalm 150:6). The truth about praise and worship is we aren’t doing God any favors; we are to instructed to give Him the Glory He is due (Psalm 29:2). In other words, praise is what we owe Him. All glory is His (Revelations 19:1). Most importantly, praise should be a normal part of our devotional life, and our expressions in public should mirror what we do in private.

And what happened to me? After that glorious experience, something in my life changed forever. I now enjoy a freedom in my private time with the Lord that is very precious. Have I had dark moments since then? Too many to count. Demonstrative worship is not a panacea nor does it replace bible study, prayer, and all the other spiritual disciplines. But I have found nothing that ushers me into his presence more effectively than when I worship Him. Am I searching for a “feeling” when I enter into praise and worship? Now, that is a very loaded question that I will have to address in the next post.

I tend to be by nature reserved. I am naturally an introvert. I am reflective and extremely sensitive. When I used to go out dancing, I was always self-conscious (probably because I was never really any good), unlike my sister who was loud and danced with gusto. Guess who is more inclined on Sundays to “throw her hands in the air and wave ‘em like she just don’t care”? So then imagine what happened when in the midst of praise and worship I took off running around the church?

Let me pause here and place my life in context. I was recovering from the lowest point in my personal and spiritual life. For months prior, I was in such a state of depression that I purposely arrived at church just in time to hear the message and left before the benediction so that I would miss praise and worship and not have to talk to anyone when church was over. The idea of sitting through praise and worship was enough to drive me over the edge. It just felt too hypocritical. But, in time, with the support of my family, I started the journey of walking through the darkness. I didn’t feel God’s presence, but stepping over my doubts, I kept walking, trusting in the Word of the Invisible God.

On this particular Sunday morning, my brother, Pastor Paul, was leading the praise and worship service. I forget now what he said, but it resonated with me. And I took a step of faith and raised my hands and started praising God out loud. I told God how much I loved Him. I told Him that He was faithful and good. I told Him that I trusted Him, and soon the crowd was gone. (This brings tears to my eyes as I type this.) It was just God and me. And His presence, which I felt had eluded me so for so long, was real. I experienced His joy, healing and love wash over me, and I wasn’t just praising God, I was shouting. I couldn’t contain myself, and I don’t know when it happened, but, before I knew it, I was running. As if  from another planet, I heard my brother say something like, “Well, the Spirit of God must be here because this is a first.”

In the next post, I will write about what happened next. In the meantime, I’m going to shut down this computer and get my praise on!